I have a long history of depression. As long as I can remember, I have experienced intense periods of sorrow. I was born into an unhappy family, so that might have something to do with it. Having lead poisoning might also contribute to my inability to sustain happiness at times. I also have mercury poisoning, and I encourage anyone reading this to check with their doctor about heavy metal toxicity and its effects on your health and well-being. If your doctor doesn’t take your questions about metal toxicity seriously, find one who does. Environmental poisons are becoming a very real factor in our daily lives, particularly for all of us who grew up in the plastic age, both literally and figuratively. My doctor said I was most likely born with lead poisoning, and, if this is true, might explain a lot of my mood swings through the years. Lead in the system suppresses the body’s ability to produce Vitamin D, which is critical to the creation of the chemicals in your brain that make you feel good.

I am happy to report that I am now lined up to write a new book, and am in the process of finalizing the details of where-when. I share this because, in addition to that book, I am also set to contribute to a novelette with my beautiful friend Claire Fercak, and, in order to find the time to write, I am looking for fresh, creative ways to stay present with EFHTT.com, whilst stealing back the hour or so a day of creative energy that it takes to contribute here. Current ideas I have would include a filmed video series of interviews, inclusion of newly written poetry, and maybe even to have some kind of EFHTT gathering/dialogue/symposium with anyone interested, 3-4 times a year, with the possibility of recording and broadcasting it here. I remain committed to this site as a place to share and enlighten.

Going through the process of healing can, at moments, be a brittle process, because, ultimately, it is one of Self-accountability. If you are indeed the one in charge, then it is you alone who must be negotiated with to make the decision to live peacefully. As of late, I find I am being uniquely challenged to hold my frame of reference and to balance difficult choices between my physical strength, the patterns surrounding why I work and how hard I work, and expectations placed upon me by those I am trying my best to Love.

The human being is a creature that cannot be satisfied. Nothing man can ever do will satisfy his brother or sister for any real length of time. Most human interactions revolve around states of temporary relief vis-à-vis a projected ideal. I can give you what you want in this moment by possibly saying the right thing, but only God can give you what you need in the long term. We can somewhat bridge the gap between us and God by staying focused on giving those whom we Love what they need, even if it is a temporary detriment to Peace, for you must come to choose between a temporary peace and a lasting Peace when it comes to making decisions about who You are to another in your expressions of Love from your highest place and capability.

I spend a great deal of energy wondering if I am indeed Loving those around me to the very best of my ability. I cast no illusions in thinking anything I do in public makes any lasting impression, other than mirroring how to shatter one’s own inner shadow nature. If I am good at anything, it is demonstrating that, like a good bullfighter, one can dramatically play with the shadows (just remember that the bull charging is most likely you!). Those public talents don’t always apply, however, to the intimate relationships in my life. In fact, that is often the last thing they often want from me, which is to have their construct with me shattered and shattered again. The inner world of relating with others is often about stasis, or the formation of an intimate stability around trust. But I don’t buy this notion of solemnity, because warrior spirits know only the war ahead and the casualties behind. I am still looking around and waiting for who comes to me with God in their back pocket.

If I am alone, I am alone for a reason, and I can accept that. Learning the fine art of being alone has taught me a much greater respect for whoever stands before me. My first question, the one that rises naturally from my soul, is, “How can I help you?” Maybe this solitude exists so that I can better hear their answer.